


In Name Only- Peeta's POV

by IzzySamson



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:50:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzySamson/pseuds/IzzySamson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Name Only- Peeta's POV is a series of flashback and Peeta's memories of Katniss growing up and how she went from being Kitty, a little girl that he was fond of, to being the woman who would be the love of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part 1

 

**In Name Only- Peeta's POV**

**Part 1**

**1921**

The sun was shining and the birds were singing – it was a perfect Spring day. Everybody was out and about, enjoying the temperate weather. Everyone, it seemed, but Peeta Mellark.

He was working in the bakery's kitchen while his father was in the storefront. Peeta was having a bad day, his leg was in agony. He had only recently started to use a cane; up until a few weeks ago he had been on crutches. He knew that he should be thankful that he had his leg at all, but he wasn't. His injuries had cost him so much, the girl that he loved being the most recent in a long line of collateral damage. Peeta had not been able to sleep at all the previous night. His leg hurt him and he was afraid to sleep because of his dreams. Sometimes he dreamed of the war, or the way that Mitchell sounded as he gasped for his final breath. But last night had been different in another extremely painful way because last night he had heard Cato and Clove's cold laughter as he hobbled out of her front door.

Only loneliness and demons awaited him in his sleep; the mere thought of resting made his heart rate increase and he nearly feared his bed. He was becoming increasingly tempted to ask the doctor for morphine to help with his pain and to sleep, but he had seen what it had done to some of the other veterans in the hospital. Peeta did not want to live a half-life like them. He would deal with the pain, both emotionally and physically, as best he could.

"Egg delivery!" a familiar voice called out just shortly before its owner appeared in the doorway with a crate of eggs in his arms. It was Harland Everdeen coming to call and barter. Peeta had become close with the farmer since his return from the war. Harland had been one of the few people who had treated him normally when he returned from the war. It was refreshing. "Hey, Peeta, how are you doing today?" Harland inquired.

"I've been better," Peeta confessed. Harland's features contorted into a concerned expression. Peeta hated that look because it meant pity, and Harland was one person he didn't want pity from. He wanted to change the subject, divert it from his confession. "So, how's the family?"

Harland's face was grim. He shook his head, indicating that things weren't good for him either. Peeta immediately regretted asking. He'd forgotten that all was not well in the Everdeen home. Mrs. Everdeen had given birth to yet another premature stillborn last week. Unfortunately, the town biddies were all over it and the gossip mill had been churning with the news that she'd not gotten out of bed since.

Although you wouldn't have known it from the tone of Harland's upbeat voice. "Lily isn't feeling well today, so I brought the water spud with me." Harland chuckled and pointed to his little shadow, a tiny girl with pig tails wearing a red plaid dress. She smiled at Peeta shyly, then she looked back to the ground and blushed brightly. _No wonder Harland is pretending to be so cheerful, he wants to protect his daughter._

Peeta waved at young Katniss Everdeen. He thought that she was a pretty little girl. She often came along with her father, and was obviously a tomboy. Katniss always had dirt on her face and skinned up knees. She resembled her father in that she had dark hair and vibrant grey eyes, yet her features were delicate and fine like her mother's. There was a wisdom in her bright, grey eyes – she was no typical child. Even at the tender age of seven she could follow the conversations that her father and Peeta would have. Occasionally she would politely stop the conversation and ask what a certain word meant or what exactly they were talking about.

"Can't you say hello, Katniss?" Harland hinted to her.

"Hello, Mr. Mellark," she said softly.

She lifted his mood instantly. Peeta loved kids; they were so honest and unaffected, especially this one. He cheerfully greeted her, "Why, hello Kitty, how are you today?"

"Very well, thank you," she answered and then grinned at him.

"Have you been a big help to your Papa?" Peeta inquired of her.

"Yes," she nodded. She and Peeta played this game often. He would quiz her about what she did to help her parents, and in the end it would always result in a treat for her.

"Now, Kitty, have you been 'short bread good', or 'sugar cookie good'?" Peeta teased. He knew that Katniss would gladly take a cookie any day like any other child, but Peeta knew what she really loved was his specialty, cheese buns.

"Neither, I've been cheese bun good!" Katniss exclaimed happily.

Peeta smiled. It was the first genuine smile that he could remember having in a long time. "I think that I can arrange for you to get one, but they're in the oven right now. You'll have to be patient until they're ready."

"Katniss, honey, why don't you go outside and play until they're ready?" Harland told her, and she obediently went outside to play.

"How are you really, Peeta?" Harland asked in a concerned tone.

"So, I see that the gossip has already made it all the way to the farms," Peeta said, not even trying to hide the resentment in his voice. "It was only two days ago. I thought that I would at least have a week before the whole town knew."

"The only reason I know is because Mrs. Cartwright came out to check on Lily," Harland admitted reluctantly. "She's worse this time than she was the last time – I think because this one was a boy. She wants so badly to give me a son. But I don't know why she is so stuck on that, I love Katniss so much- she's just as good as any boy could be…" The usually stoic man stopped and his eyes glistened with tears that Peeta knew he would never see fall.

Peeta felt ashamed of himself for a moment. He'd only been concerned for himself over the past few days, no, the past few months really. _When you're lost in your own misery it is hard to remember that other people suffer in life, too._ "I'm so sorry for your loss, Harland," Peeta said sincerely. He knew that as much as he was hurting now that it had to be much harder to watch a child die, or to watch your beloved wife suffer through such pain.

Harland nodded. The timer on the oven rang out. Harland again adopted a cheerful temperament as he picked up the crate of eggs. "Let me get these in the storage room for you, Peeta. Then I'll settle up with your dad." Peeta was in awe of this man, that he was so able to deal with the pain and sorrow that life had dealt him. This was the sort of man Peeta aspired to be.

Peeta pulled the buns from the oven and he sat one on a napkin and called out the door, "Kitty, your buns are ready!"

The little rosy-cheeked girl ran into the bakery kitchen in a very un-ladylike fashion. Peeta chuckled at her enthusiasm. But he also knew that she had to have a clue what her parents were going through; she was too bright of a child to be ignorant of what was going on in her home. Perhaps that's why she seemed mature for her age. Katniss was holding a bundle of dandelions in her hand.

"Here, Mr. Mellark," Katniss said breathlessly, and held the dandelions out to Peeta."These are for you."

"For me?" Peeta asked slightly confused.

"Yes," Katniss told him seriously. "You looked sad. When Mama and Papa are sad, I give them flowers. Flowers help to make them happy again. I thought that flowers might make you happy, too. Well, these are only dandelions, but I think that they're pretty."

Peeta patted her head and then took the flowers from her outstretched hand. "Thank you, Kitty," Peeta said softly, "I like dandelions, too." Peeta then pointed to where her bun waited on the counter and she ran to retrieve it.

"Thank you, Mr. Mellark!" Katniss spouted as she chewed her first bite.

"You're welcome, Kitty," Peeta replied.

Harland came back out of the storeroom. "Let's get going, Katniss, we have to stop by the doctor's and pick up some medicine for Mama."

Katniss waved to Peeta and with her mouth full of cheese bun she offered up, "Bye."

"That's quite the girl you've got there, Harland," Peeta told his friend after she skipped out the door.

"I know. I'm going to be beating the boys off with a stick in a couple of years," Harland smiled genuinely.

Both men laughed. It was nice to joke about something as conventional as an overprotective father. Harland and Peeta exchanged their goodbyes and then Peeta was left alone with a bundle of dandelions in hand. Peeta had to sigh at Katniss's innocence and pure heart. He was amazed at her thoughts of how a bundle of flowers could make everything better. Perhaps it could be that simple. To have faith as simple as a child's, all you had to do was decide that you wanted to be better and then it would happen.

Peeta knew in that moment that he was going to have to get better and move on with his life. He needed to do it not only for himself, but also for those who cared about him, like his father, who Peeta knew had been very worried about him _. Maybe I will take Finnick up on his offer and go visit him this weekend. It would take my mind off of Clove._

Peeta's father returned from the storefront and looked at his son and asked out of curiosity, "What have you got there, son?" Then he motioned to the dandelions in Peeta's hand.

Peeta looked down at the yellow weeds in his hand and absent mindedly replied, "I think it's supposed to be hope."


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to kismet4891 and katnissinme for being such wonderful betas!

 

**In Name Only Peeta's POV**

**Part 2**

**1928**

It was Sunday morning and his father asserted, as best he could given that the last stroke had affected his speech, that he expected Peeta to take him to church. Peeta thought that maybe his father was passively punishing him for being out so late drinking. He sat with his father in the back pew of the church. They had to go early so they could get a back pew and have his father already seated before the bulk of the crowd arrived.

Peeta's head was pounding; his mouth felt like cotton, and it was possible he was _still_ a little drunk. _When will I learn to stay the hell away from the bathtub gin?_ A part of him felt like he had no business being in the house of God. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if he burst into flames any moment, especially after what he had done last night. He tried to recall the name of the red-headed woman who writhed in pleasure beneath him the night before, but he was coming up with nothing. _I hope she wasn't married, she was unquestionably experienced, that part I'm sure of._ Peeta wanted to kick himself. Normally he liked to be better acquainted with the women he slept with. _She called herself 'Foxy',_ he suddenly remembered. _But I'm sure that was not her real name._ Who knew where that woman had been? Peeta was thankful that he at least had the sense to keep prophylactics with him when he went to the speakeasy. He did not want the clap or worse. _God forgive me._

The memory of the night before flooded his mind. It had been a strange night. Perhaps that's why he'd been more cavalier than usual. The speakeasy had been really wild – Effie had gone all out and had a jazz band booked. The dancers were on the makeshift stage doing the Charleston. Moonshine, homemade wine, and bathtub gin were on the menu. Finnick had brought his new secretary with him. She was not the typical type of girl that caught Finnick's attention. She was beautiful, but also respectable and very shy. Annie didn't hang on Finnick's every word or look at him starry-eyed like most women did. Peeta could tell that Finnick had goaded her into coming along with them. She treated Finnick with near disinterest and Finnick seemed to love every minute of it.

"Annie Cresta will be the greatest challenge of my life," Finnick told Peeta when Annie went to go powder her nose. Peeta only chuckled in reply. In that moment Peeta knew that this girl would be Finnick Odair's undoing, even if Finnick hadn't figured it out yet. With one look, Peeta could tell that she would not settle for being a cheap fling. Annie Cresta had a quiet pride, she wasn't the type to settle for only being someone's girl - she was meant to be somebody's wife.

Peeta was going to lose his partner in crime. Finnick was the only friend he had left who was still unmarried. But if Annie Cresta had anything to do with it, Finnick would not be a bachelor for much longer. As soon as Annie returned Finnick asked her to dance with him. Peeta wished that he could find a girl like that, but in his heart he believed that it would never happen, so he drowned his sorrows in stiff drinks.

He spotted the smart looking young woman with bobbed red hair at the bar. Peeta could tell from ten paces away that she was looking for a date. There were already takers lining up, such as Dick Brutus, and Deputy Cray. Peeta knew that he could probably steal her away from them pretty easily, judging by the way she was eyeing him. It had been a few months since his last "lady friend." Octavia had been a good egg, a little silly for his tastes, but also very affectionate and easygoing. Peeta had known that he was more than likely not her only fella. He was alright with that, he had no serious plans with her and they both knew it. It was not that Peeta didn't want to settle down, it was only that he had yet to meet anybody with whom he had a spark.

Last night was the first time in a long time that he had been to the speakeasy, and he would be lying if he'd said that he'd not missed a woman's touch. Effie, ever the business woman, had been making the rounds, flamboyantly dressed in a bright pink dress and a teal boa.

"Peeta, darling, how are you?" Effie exclaimed loudly, and then inserted herself in his lap and wrapped her arm and boa around his shoulders. She waggled her drawn-on eyebrows at him. "Long time no see, blue eyes. Did you come to make an honest woman out of me?"

"You are honest, Effie, that's why you'll never be accepted into _polite_ society. You'd never be able to keep all of your exploits a secret," Peeta teased the self-proclaimed harlot.

"Oh, you know me so well, Peeta," Effie laughed. "Tell me again why we've never slept together?"

"Because I would ruin you for all other men, Effie, dear," Peeta coyly replied with a wink.

"Yes, I've heard that you have a python in your pants," Effie purred, and playfully ran her hand up his thigh. "I understand it is the perfect size, or maybe the secret lies in your technique. From what I understand you never leave a woman wanting."

"Easy there, Miss Trinket, it's been known to bite," Peeta warned playfully and they both laughed. "Besides, you and I both know that Octavia had a habit of telling whoppers."

"Oh, Peeta, why do you come here?" Effie sighed and became more serious. "You're not like most of the men here. Deep down you're one of the few good guys. You're going to be a prize catch when you finally decide to settle down. Aren't you about done sowing your wild oats yet?"

Peeta didn't want to answer the question. He had come there to forget his troubles, not to talk about them, so he deflected the question. "Do you not like my patronage?" Peeta smiled and took another gulp of rotgut gin.

"No, I'll gladly take your money any day, honey," Effie confessed and took Peeta's glass and emptied it. "So, you got your eye on the redhead?"

"Yeah, she looks like she could use a better class of company," Peeta commented.

"That she could, I could tell her from experience that neither Cray nor Brutus would be worth her time. I'll have Ripper send her a Tom Collins with your compliments." Effie rose and set her bright pink dress right.

"Thank you Effie, you know how to help a guy out," Peeta raised his now empty glass to her and she winked in reply.

The rest of the night was a blur. After receiving his drink the redhead dismissed the other _suitors_ and wandered over to his table. She introduced herself as Foxy, and she said that she was only passing through on her way to Chicago. They had several drinks together. He could not recall what they talked about exactly, music maybe. Although he could remember that she was very friendly, running her hand up and down his thigh. Within an hour he had found himself walking her to the boardinghouse she was staying in across the road.

Most of what transpired was a blank, only bits and pieces remaining. The memory of her naked body against his and the sound of her moans. He found completion, but not satisfaction. A little while later he woke up in her bed; she was out for the night, with a sated smile upon her pretty face. He redressed as silently as he could and made his way back to the speakeasy where Finnick and Annie were still dancing and chatting. He couldn't help but feel a little envious as he watched them laugh and carry on. Peeta wanted something like that, not a lusty exchange like the one he had just experienced.

Peeta had a couple more drinks to ease his pain and to keep his buzz going. He didn't want to experience his inevitable hangover any sooner than he had to. Finally, Finnick and Annie were ready to leave, and Annie, who hadn't had but one drink, drove them all home.

Annie dropped them off at Finnick's house where Peeta slept on the couch so his father wouldn't have to see him in his drunken state. Peeta finally made it back to his own home at dawn. Much to Peeta's surprise his father was out of bed and had managed to get a pot of coffee started. "Morn-ing son," his father greeted him warmly with a lopsided smile. "D-did you m-meet any nice ladies-s?"

"No, can't say that I did," Peeta replied flatly as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"T-that's too bad," his father sighed.

Lately his father had been hinting, not so subtly, that it was time for Peeta to find a nice girl to settle down with. It had been years since Peeta had even entertained the thought of settling down. There were several reasons for that, the biggest one being Clove. Another was the memory of his overbearing mother. Peeta could not help but notice how much more relaxed his father had been after her death. It was not that his father had not cared for his wife, she had just been really difficult to live with. Then there were his sisters-in-law. His oldest brother Graham's wife, Agnes, was judgmental and a gossip without equal. His other brother, Rhyes, had married a snood. Ethel thought that her three semesters in college made her far superior to most everyone else. They both reminded him somewhat of his mother, and he could not stand the thought of living like that.

Peeta realized that all of this made him seem like some sort of naysayer on the topic of marriage, which he was not. He valued marriage, but he felt like the types of women he attracted were not exactly the kind he wanted to settle down with. Truthfully, he had yet to meet someone with whom he wanted to spend his life. Then there was the issue of his father, who was currently doing well, but the doctor said that he could have another stroke at any time. He'd had two so far, and Peeta knew that he was lucky to be doing as well as he was. Between work at the bakery and overseeing the care for his father, Peeta did not have the time to properly court a woman, nor did he feel right asking someone else to take on all of his responsibilities.

The sound of the organ caused the dull pain in his head to become a sharp one and brought him forcefully back to the present. The Everdeen Family – Harland, Lily, Katniss, and little Primrose – filed into the church and sat in front of Peeta and his father. They all greeted one another warmly. Harland shook Peeta's hand and whispered, "Rough night?". _At least I like my neighbors this morning._ The last thing that Peeta wanted today was Mrs. Undersee, or even worse Mrs. Cartwright, to comment on how ill and tired he looked. Young Katniss sat directly in front of Peeta. She was going through an awkward stage. She still wore her hair in two braids and she was skinny and stretched out, no longer a little girl, but a long ways away from being a woman. Peeta found it hard to concentrate as Pastor Templesmith preached about Samson and Delilah and the weakness of the flesh, though he couldn't help but wonder if the sermon was directed at him.

The only thing that made the entire two hours bearable were the Everdeen girls. Prim would wave and make funny faces at Peeta and his dad, while the sweet, melodic voice that came from Katniss seemed to soothe his headache and lift his mood. The way that Katniss Everdeen sang _Amazing Grace_ could inspire anyone to become a better person and believe in God's ability to forgive and forget. Now, if only Peeta could do that for himself.

He looked at the family before him. They were not perfect. They had seen hard times and had some terrible lows, but he could not help but to admire them. Nobody ever thought that Lily Everdeen would give birth to another living child or be able to pull herself from her deep depression, yet here they all were holding hands, singing about redemption. They made happiness seem…attainable. Seeing them made Peeta think- _Maybe I could have that someday, too._

**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my betas-kismet4891 and katnissinme.

**In Name Only –Peeta’s POV**

**Part 3**

**1931**

_Oh, God, I gotta stop thinking about her!_

_This is so wrong!_

_What is the matter with me?_

_She’s seventeen and my friend’s kid!_

_She doesn’t think about you like that…- I’m thirty-one, don’t think about her!_

_I can remember when she was a toddler for God’s sake!_

Peeta argued with himself, debating his sanity and ethical standards in a very cold shower.He was trying, unsuccessfully, to banish the un-pure thoughts about Katniss Everdeen he was having. This was something he found himself doing often as of late. Seemingly overnight she had grown up, and he found himself mesmerized and entranced with the woman she had become.Just a few months ago she was the same kid that he’d always known. Now, though, she looked and acted like a woman. Peeta hadn’t noticed the change until a few weeks ago. He could remember every detail of that hot summer morning. She was making the egg delivery without her father, driving the old Model T, something which most teenage girls couldn’t do.

“Good morning, Mr. Mellark,” she had called to him pleasantly. Katniss glided into the bakery, a crate of eggs filling her arms. She was in overalls and her hair was wild, windsweptas much of it had escaped her braid. He smiled to himself as he realized that she must have pushed theold truck as fast as it could go.

Peeta turned to wish her good morning but he suddenly was taken aback by her messybut incredibly comely appearance - it was like he was really looking at her for the first time. After a few moments he finally realized that he had yet to greet her. He finally returned, “Good morning, Kitty.” Then he took the crate from her hands. It was quite weighty, and he marveled at how such a small thing could handle such hard work so effortlessly.  Peeta tried to make pleasant conversation while he put the eggs away. “You by yourself today?”

“Yes, Papa wanted to get an early start on making hay this morning,” Katniss replied, and she found her stool at the counter andunceremoniously hopped on it. “I had to return some books to the library and pick up some things for Mama.”

Peeta, was surprised that without her father she would still want to visit with him, but he always enjoyed her company so he was happy to entertain her. “Oh, what books? Anything good?”

“I just finished the _The Great Gatsby,_ ” she told him. “But don’t tell Mama, she thought that it was inappropriate for a young lady.”

“It is,” Peeta teased her and held a cheese bun out to her on a napkin. “Drinking, adultery, and all types of scandalous things, it may make a young lady faint.”

“Good thing that I’m not much of a lady then, huh?” Katniss gave him a half smile and then tugged on her overall strap. “Papa told me that I could read it, but just not to let Mama know. Besides, I’m seventeen, I’m going to be a senior this year. I could get married in a lot of states.”

“So how did you like it?” Peeta asked her. She looked at him curiously for a moment, her face relaying that she was shocked he was talking to her like an equal.

“I think that Daisy is a twit, and that Gatsby should have forgotten about her and found someone deserving of him,” Katniss said before tearing off a corner of her bun and eating it.

“Ahh, but then there wouldn’t have been a story at all,” Peeta chided. They talked about the book for a while; they had similar opinions of it and agreed that overall they both liked it. The exception being Katniss’s low opinion of Daisy – apparently she expected more of her own sex. Peeta found himself getting lost in her lovely grey eyes, and watching her lips as she spoke. He caught himself staring at her while she re-braided her long, dark tresses, and he could never remember being so enchanted with a woman’s hair before. He had a sudden urge to run his fingers through it, but then scolded himself for such a thought about his little friend Kitty. He also noticed, despite the baggy overalls, that she had filled out some. She now had a pleasing swell to her breasts and hips, and she definitely no longer looked like a twelve-year-old boy with a braid.

Finally she left and he felt an odd emptiness. He convinced himself that he was just being stupid and that she was just a child. Finding reassurance in the lie, he told himself thatthe next time she came in it would be just like it had always been before. But it wasn’t. She delivered eggs on her own often in the following weeks. Katniss could keep up with him on just about any topic, and what she didn’t know she asked about at length, hungry for knowledge. Katniss was like a breath of fresh air in Peeta’s life, so unlike any other woman in his life had ever been. She was so pure and honest, and her actions never belied ulterior motives.

He found himself going to church more often, knowing that the Everdeens went every Sunday. Peeta would usually sit with Finnick and Annie and always tried to find a seat as close to the Everdeens as he could. It was Finnick who first noticed how Peeta would mention the eldest Everdeen girl on a regular basis when he visited the Odair home, and how at church Peeta’s gaze always found the dark-haired young lady. Peeta had always been able to pick Katniss’s voice out of a crowd, as it had always soothed him and he thought that it was among the loveliest that he’d ever heard.Now it drew him in for another reason – it was like a siren’s song, pulling him to her. Finnick would tease Peeta about it when they were alone, and Peeta would brush him off. Peeta knew that he had started to think of her differently; she was now Katniss the woman, no longer Kitty the little girl. He was in deep.

Then he started to dream of her. Late at night he would try to think about pleasant things to keep his mind off the nightmares that were likely to come his way in the middle of the night. Sometimes he would dream of a life where he was married and his house was full of children and happiness. Always before the woman was nondescript, just some generic face inspired by random advertisements or film stars. It had never been anybody he’d actually known, until now. His wife in the fantasy now was petite, with delicate features, a long, nearly black braid down her back, and gorgeous grey eyes. She would work in his garden and snuggle with him in front of that fireplace on cold nights. Sometimes she would be rocking a baby to sleep, singing a sweet lullaby; it was a beautiful dream, and it brought him such happiness. This dream was pure and sweet.

But then there were the other fantasies, more carnal ones of long, dark hair splayed on his pillows, ora melodic voice seductively calling for him to lay with her in his bed. He would join the already naked woman under the covers and they would make love for hours on end. Peeta tried to convince himselfthat it was not Katniss in his dreams, especially on the rare occasion when he had a strong urge to stroke himself to completion, but he knew that it really was her. He felt terrible for even thinking thusly and tried to imagine other faces and women, usually someone who was a total opposite of his true desire. He tried to replace the girl of his dreams with tall blondes and red heads, i. It usually worked, but thoughts of her always lingered at the back of his mind.

Peeta lightly knocked his head against the tiled shower wall, trying to rid himself of his thoughts about Katniss. He didn’t know if he hated having these thoughts because of her age, or because the likelihood of anything ever happening between them was slim to none.

Today had been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Katniss delivered eggs alone again. She was in her overalls as always, it was hot, and a sheen of perspiration made her glow. They exchanged their typical pleasantries and Peeta took the crate of eggs from her. A timer went off and Katniss offered to get the pan of cookies out of the oven since Thom was out making deliveries. Peeta came back out of the stock room just in time to see Katniss burn her arm on the wall of the oven. “Ahh!” she gasped, but to her credit, she was able to get the pan to the counter without dropping a single cookie.

“Katniss!” Peeta rushed to her side and took her arm to examine her burn before wordlessly ushering her to the sink and turning on the cold water and placing her arm under the stream. “How does that feel?”

“Good,” she said softly and blushed. Peeta was right on top of her. Close up he could see the slight dusting of freckles and an old scar on her temple. She smelled of freshly cut hay, blackberries, and horses. He could feel electricity from where his hands held hers under the water. “I’m sorry, it’s not really that bad, I’m just a pansy when it comes to burns. I would rather get kicked by a cow or pinched by a goose than get burned, it is my least favorite kind of pain.”

Peeta finally stepped away from her, to get her a clean towel to dry her arm. “Oh, they don’t even bother me nowadays; maybe my arms have been burnt so many times that I can’t feel it anymore.” Peeta held out his arms to show her the patchwork of pink shiny scars that covered his forearms. He gingerly patted her arm dry and mused, “Sometimes I feel like I’m nothing but one big scar, or at least a collection of little ones.” Peeta went to the windowsill and plucked a spike of aloe off the plant he kept there. He again took her arm but kept his distance this time as he dabbed on the healing liquid.

“Papa says that you can tell a lot about a person by the marks they carry,” Katniss said softly, then turned her eyes down to where he was attending her wound. “You can tell what their work is, how willing they are to help another, what their passions are.” She brought her eyes to his face, looking briefly at his scar before meeting his eye.“Our scars make us who we are, Mr. Mellark.”

Peeta was silent for a moment, so taken aback by her loveliness and words. He finally returned, his voice barely a whisper, “You’re a wise young lady, Katniss.” It was too much, this felt like a moment of intimacy, and he had to distance himself from her even more. He cleared his throat, pulled out his wallet, handed her a dollar for the eggs, and jovially said, “But, that one won’t scar. It’s just a little one, you won’t even know that you had it in a week.”

“Thank you, Mr. Mellark,” Katniss said gratefully. Peeta sent her off with a bag of warm cookies. Peeta watched her leave and came to the clear realization that he had been fighting for weeks. _I love Katniss Everdeen, more than I’ve ever loved any woman._

That was it, Peeta was a goner. _I need to go find some female companionship that will clear my head. I’ll go see Glimmer, she’ll distract me and make me forget about what I’ll never have._ It was Saturday night, so he decided to go to Effie’s and see if he could forget about the little grey-eyed nymph who had captured his heart without even knowing it.

Peeta had been seeing Glimmer for a while; she was a dancer and waitress at Effie’s to supplement her alimony. When he met her she was fresh off her third marriage and was ready to have some fun. She was movie star beautiful, with blonde bobbed hair and pretty green eyes.She was tall, slender, and everyman’s fantasy - and she’d chosen Peeta. Perhaps she’d heard the rumor that he was wealthier than the average baker or that he was a generous lover. Either way she was his girl, at least when they were together. He spent his Friday and Saturday nights with her, they had fun, and she was fantastic in bed. But he rarely thought about her when he wasn’t with her. Lately she’d been hinting that she was looking to get married again… to him. Peeta considered it for a fraction of a second, but Glimmer would never fit in his everyday life, not to mention that he knew he felt nothing like love for her.  She wanted to be in a big city and spend her days shopping and drinking champagne. Peeta wanted a quiet life and someone to share his home and possibly a family with. Glimmer was not the sort of girl to settle down, even by her own admission.

When Peeta got to Effie’s Glimmer was on a table, shaking her rump in her sequined short dress, and loving the attention that she was receiving from the hooting men in the room. Peeta hoped to get excited at the prospect of getting her alone later in the evening, but he couldn’t. It just felt wrong now that he had admitted that his heart belonged to another. It was only then that he realized that he didn’t even really like Glimmer now, if he ever did; he had only been using her to distract himself from other things. As he watched her dance he realized how much of his life he had wasted here and in places like it.

When Glimmer noticed that Peeta was there she found him and boldly straddled his lap, seductively whispering, “Hello there, sugar.” She purred, “Aren’t you happy to see me? You look like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders. How about I make it all better later?”

Peeta imagined her on her knees before him, or perched on top of him, riding him. He realized that fucking wasn’t really what he wanted, as it left him feeling even emptier and worse than he did before the act. _It’s time to make a change in my life, to become a better man._ “Glimmer,” Peeta took a deep breath and let it all out, “I think that we need to stop seeing each other.”

“What?!” Glimmer spat. Getting dropped must have been a first for her. “But why?”

“Because this isn’t enough anymore,” Peeta laid his money on the table and kissed her on the cheek before she slid off his lap. “Be good to yourself, Glimmer.” Peeta left Effie’s vowing to never touch another woman as long as his heart belonged to Katniss Everdeen, realizing that it would more than likely be with her forever, even if she never knew it.

On his drive home Peeta decided that if he ever wanted a chance to be with Katniss then he was going to have to become a man worthy of her. He knew that Harland had said that he wouldn’t allow Katniss to be courted until she was done with school. Katniss was getting ready to start her senior year – that gave him roughly nine months to get his life right. He would give her time and space and would patiently wait for the right opportunity and just hoped that she might fall in love with him, too, someday. He knew that the plan might sound crazy and that the chance of it working was low. Despite the high likelihood of failure, Peeta felt hopeful for his future for the first time in a long time, and couldn’t wait to catch a glimpse of her tomorrow at church.


	4. part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my betas kismet4891 and katnissinme, they are the best!

 

**In Name Only-Peeta’s POV**

**Part 4**

**1931**

**30 and 17**

The air was chilly and the sky was threatening rain, it seemed oddly fitting as the weather matched the mood of the day. Peeta knew that Pastor Templesmith was speaking, but his own thoughts were roaring between his ears, preventing him from hearing anything. _How is this possible? I talked to him just a few days ago…How is Katniss going to handle this?_ Peeta was familiar with death.He understood that too often a good man was cut down in his prime, yet he had never seen the aftermath firsthand. He had spoken withMitchell’s widow, but that was months after her husband’s death – her tears were mostly shed and her pain wasn’t so raw.

The sight of the Everdeen women before him was heart-rending He didn’t know which reaction disturbed him more; Lily, Harland’s wife,who was sobbing inconsolably, or Primrose, the youngest, who had tears streaming down her face and clung to her mother, who didn’t even seem to notice her. Then there was Katniss, the one whom Peeta loved, who he could tell by observing her solemn countenance had yet to cry over her father’s passing.

Peeta recalled his last conversation with her father, just the previous week. Harland had come into the bakery as he did any delivery day.He was late and the bakery had already closed for the day, leavingPeeta all alone. They traded their typical pleasantries, but Peeta could tell that something was on Harland’s mind as he was not his usual, friendly self.

“What’s the matter, Harland?” Peeta asked, expecting his longtime friend to give an answer related to the dire economy and poor farm prices.  He did not expect what came next from his friend’s mouth.

“I ran into Finnick Odair earlier today, and he told me some interesting things.” Harland gave Peeta a measured look. _Damn you Finnick!_ Peeta stopped for a moment. _Maybe it’s not what I think, maybe it has nothing to do with Katniss._

“Oh, what was Finnick jawing about?” Peeta inquired in an attempt to sound innocent.

“He told me that my girl’s name is constantly on your lips,” Harland said matter-of-factly, and he gave Peeta a cool, hard stare.

 _Shit!_ “Harland…I-uh,” Peeta stuttered. For the first time in years he was at a loss for words. “I’ve done nothing untoward…”

“Easy, Peeta,” Harland motioned his hand, cutting Peeta off, as helightly smiled. “I know that you wouldn’t do anything inappropriate with her, or any other young lady for that matter. I just thought I’d remind you that she won’t be eighteen until May – the same time she’ll be done with school. I want her to graduate. It means a lot to Lily and me that she gets through school, since neither of us did. I know Katniss may seem older than she really is. That’s my fault, and I hate that she had to pick up a lot of slack at a young age, but she’s backwards in other ways. I’m not against you stepping out with her when she’s ready, but that decision is up to her. Don’t be too upset with Finnick, he just confirmed some suspicions that I’d been having for a while now.”

“What suspicions have you been having?” Peeta asked cautiously, wracking his brain for past incidences that may have been revealing.

“I noticed a couple months back that you started to look at her differently, and that you stopped calling her Kitty,” Harland explained. “Like I said, you’re more than welcome to come ask me about her in May, but not until then.”

Peeta nodded. He didn’t know what to say. Finally, he decided that he had to confess. “Harland, I want you to know that my intentions are pure. I think that Katniss is truly special, and I want to treat her thusly.”

Harland chuckled and clapped Peeta on the shoulder. Even though he was smaller and had a few years on Peeta, Harland Everdeen was still intimidating. “I know, Peeta. If I thought otherwise- we’d be having this conversation at opposite ends of a shot gun.”

That was the last meaningful conversation that Peeta had with Harland. A week later Peeta helped to carry his coffin and stood over his grave, watching the grief-stricken Everdeen family. Peeta couldn’t understand how Katniss was keeping herself under control. The stories around town said that she was with him and held his hand as he breathed his last.

Although she didn’t know it, she and Peeta now had something in common – watching someone you care about die slowly in your arms. He knew that the weight of the world had fallen on her shoulders when her father died. Peeta wanted nothing more than to scoop her up and carry her away to some place where he could keep her from all harm and pain. But he knew that he couldn’t do that, she had too much to deal with already. The last thing she needed now was having to deal withpossibly unwanted attentions. Besides, Harland had specifically told Peeta that he had to wait for Katniss to mature before he could approach her. Peeta would respect his friend’s wishes, even if Harland was gone.

After the coffin was lowered into the ground, Katniss and Prim held hands and made rounds thanking people for coming. Lily Everdeen was still crying in her chair.She had a history of suffering from severe melancholy, and Peeta hoped for the sake of both girls that she could overcome her grief. He was not very optimistic; Lily was fragile and this was a terrible blow.

Peeta noted that amongthe large procession of mourners was the biggest land owner in the county, Cornelius Snow, who didn’t seem half as sad as the rest of the crowd. Harland had told Peeta that Snow had been trying to buy his farm for years. The old man reminded Peeta of a vulture as he approached Harland’s widow. Mr. Snow whispered a few words in Lily’s ear and then walked away. Peeta had a sinking feeling in his gut. _Lily is going to sell the farm._ Peeta knew how Katniss felt about the farm; this was going to devastate her.

Peeta decided it was time to leave, he didn’t want to bother Katniss so he felt he’d save her from one more awkward exchange and he’d leave. He was almost to his car when he heard her voice call out to him, “Mr. Mellark, Mr. Mellark, please wait a moment.”

Peeta turned and walked back to her, her face impassive as ever. Peeta replied, “Yes, Katniss?”

“I just want to thank you for helping today,” Katniss lamented softly as she extended her hand. “Papa always spoke highly of you, and considered you to be one of his closest friends.”

Peeta took her hand in both of his. “And he was one of mine, I will miss him.”

Katniss nodded. “Oh, and thank you for the bread and all of the other food. I’ll bring your basket back the next time I deliver eggs.”

“What bread?” Peeta feigned ignorance. The moment he had heard about Harland’s passing he had packed up a picnic basket with goods from his display, trying to recall what every Everdeen favorite was. Cheese buns for Katniss, sugar cookies for Prim, and a peach pie for Mrs. Everdeen, along with bread for sandwiches and anything else he could cram into the basket. When Peeta arrived at the Everdeen home there were cars everywhere, most of which he recognized from church and around town, including that of the pastor, neighbors, and even the undertaker. Peeta felt like an intruder, so he left the food on the porch and lightly knocked on the door, quickly walking away.

“I know it was you,” Katniss informed him with a smile ghosting her lips. “I wish you would have come in, I would have much rather seen you than any of those other people that night.”

Peeta knew that she had meant it politely, but his heart skipped a beat when he heard her say that she had wished for his company. He didn’t know how to properly respond, so instead he patted her shoulder and reminded her, “I want you to know that I still want to get my eggs from you, and if you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

The relief was apparent on her face; she must not have been expecting that he would want to do business with her. “Thank you, Mr. Mellark.” Katniss looked around and suddenly became aware that there were other people waiting to talk to her. “I need to go, but I’ll bring you some eggs tomorrow.”

“Goodbye, Katniss,” Peeta released her hand, which he hadn’t realized that he had been holding the entire time. Katniss departed and went to go speak to the other attendants. It broke Peeta’s heart because he knew something that Katniss was totally ignorant of – things were going to get much worse before they could get better. The thing that troubled Peeta the most was the knowledge that he was going to have to watch from the sidelines and there was very little he could do to help. Peeta swore right then and there that he would do anything in his power to be of service to the Everdeen family, even if it meant denying himself what he desired most, a chance to earn Katniss’s love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I also wrote a spring Fling gift exchange for fnur, The Last Sunday. Summary- It is the last Sunday before the Reaping for the 3rd Quarter Quell and Gale is helping Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch train. Canon fic. Told from Gale’s POV, as he watches and interactions between the Victors and ponders his fate.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr, as izzysamson.


	5. part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to send out huge thanks to all of you have taken the time to comment on this story, you guys really inspired me.
> 
> Also I want to give credit to my beta's kismet4891 and katnissinme. Thank you some much you lovely ladies.

 

In Name Only- Peeta's POV

Part 5

1932

Peeta sat in his living room chair with the radio turned up loud in hopes of making him forget that he was alone in the house. Mrs. Seeder had long since left, leaving Peeta by himself in the too large house. He had his drawing pad in hand, and before he knew it he was again drawing the likeness of his unrequited love, Katniss Everdeen.

He had seen Katniss earlier in the day, and his heart had sunk at the sight of her. She looked thinner each time he saw her, and he could tell by her haggard appearance that she wasn't sleeping well. Peeta wanted to ask her about it, but he knew from his own experience how obnoxious it was to have someone point out how bad you look. Peeta had decided months ago that he would try his best to put a smile on her face whenever possible; usually tea and baked goods were enough to do the trick. But not today. Today she was nearly totally withdrawn. Peeta patted on her stool at the counter and asked, "How are you today, Katniss?"

She answered sarcastically, "Well, let's just say I've got my health."

"How's Prim?" Peeta inquired. He was concerned about the youngest Everdeen, too, but he knew that Katniss put her sister's well being high above her own.

Peeta set her tea in front of her along with a cheese bun. Katniss replied happily, "She's doing well, she won her class' spelling bee."

"Ah, that's great!" Peeta exclaimed, and while she was drinking her tea he sneakily added a few minutes to the oven timer. Usually he had a bag of "stale" goods waiting for Katniss, but she was starting to become suspicious of him doing it out of charity, giving her the best of what he had to offer for free. Peeta knew that her pride would not allow it for too much longer, as she was already apprehensive of any stale bread before Wednesdays. So Peeta's new plan was to occasionally burn the bread or "mess up a batch" so that Katniss would be more willing to take it. When he pulled out the slightly darkened raisin nut bread he proclaimed, "Stupid me, I must have mis-set the timer!"

"Well that's a shame, that is the best bread," Katniss commiserated after swallowing her last bit of cheese bun.

"Yeah, it is," Peeta concurred. "Could you take it home for your chickens or something? I can't sell burnt bread, and if I give it to the dogs I'll just attract every stray in the neighborhood."

Katniss's eyes lit up and she smiled for a moment before turning more serious and replying, "Yes, I can take it off your hands for you."

Peeta sacked up the bread and watched Katniss walk out to her truck. She pulled a chunk of bread out of the bag and devoured it when she thought no one was looking. He was happy that he could do something to make her life just a little better. At least tonight her and Prim's dinner would be supplemented by some hearty bread. It was through small acts like this that Peeta was able to help Katniss; he was glad to do it, although he wanted to do so much more.

Peeta worried about her constantly: he worried about what she was eating, how she was heating her home during this spring cold snap, or even paying rent, how she was coping with her father's death and the loss of the farm. No one had seen Mrs. Everdeen in the months since Harland's death. Only the occasional house call from the doctor confirmed that she was still alive. Other than that, Katniss had allowed no one into their home.

The picture that had taken form on the page before him was an image of one of Katniss's rare happy moments. She was smiling up at him, with a cup of tea in her hand and a cheese bun set before her. Peeta was putting the finishing touches on Katniss's braid when there was a knock at his door. His visitors were few and far between, especially at eight o'clock on a week night. He turned off the radio, put his drawing on the end table, and answered the door. In a thousand years, he never would have been able to guess who would be on the other side of the door. He saw a petite woman in a fur-trimmed coat, and a familiar set of dark brown eyes stared up at him. Peeta froze and looked at the woman slack-jawed, "Clove?!"

"Hello, Peeta," she said softly. "May I come in? It's a chilly out here."

Peeta wanted to send her away with a heavy slam of the door in her face, but then he noticed something – one of her eyes was puffy and was showing purple though her makeup, and her lip was split. She'd been on the losing end of a recent fight. As much as he wanted to humiliate her as she had him, he could not mistreat someone in need. "Come in," he said coolly.

Clove walked in and Peeta motioned to the couch, then offered only out of politeness, "Can I offer you anything?"

"No, thank you though. I just had dinner with Mother and Father," Clove explained. Peeta sat on the chair, the furthest seat away from his unexpected guest. She seemed as if she wanted to start a conversation. "It's been a long time."

"Eleven years," Peeta said matter-of-factly.

"You look well," she commented. "You've improved with age."

"And you look like you've been hit by a truck," Peeta said evenly. "Cato do that?"

Clove pursed her lips, nodding her head as Peeta noticed a tear fall down her set a box of tissues in front of her, but that's as far as his comforting would go. "He's not well, he's lost his grip on reality, he's crazy. The doctor said that it was probably from syphilis that he caught from one of his hussies. Thank God I've not slept with him in years." She stopped to gauge Peeta's reaction, but he didn't have one so she continued."I've tried to have him committed, but his family is connected and is preventing it. So I've left him. He did this when I locked him out of the house. He went after the kids, too. That was the final straw, I had to leave him for their sake."

He had heard that the Billings were having a hard time, as the bank that Cato managed failed when the market crashed. Peeta knew that Cato had not been a faithful husband, so the knowledge that he had the pox was not a surprise.  _Thankfully, I got educated about condoms in the Army._  Over the years Peeta would occasionally see him at speakeasies, usually with a loose woman by his side. But he could not feel much pity for Clove, Cato was a notorious womanizer long before his marriage and she knew it. "Sorry to hear that," Peeta said sincerely, he hated men who beat women, and that doubled for anyone who harmed children.

"Well, don't be, because I'm not," Clove answered back. Then her attitude changed and she smiled sweetly at Peeta. "I never should have married him to begin with. In fact, I've been thinking a lot lately about whom I should have married." Peeta gave her an incredulous look and she continued, "I never should have allowed him to send you out of the house that night. I should have spoken to you alone."

Peeta could feel all of the bitter feelings that he had been pushing down for the last decade come bubbling back up. "No, you should have never stopped writing me, you should have come and seen me the moment I came back state side. Or, at the very least, you should have broken things off with me before you started to carry on with him."

"I know that now," Clove admitted. "I was young and confused, Peeta."

"So why are you here now?" Peeta finally asked what he had been wondering ever since he saw her at his door.

"I want a second chance," she whispered. "I haven't forgotten about you. You're such a good person, you're the kind of man that I would like to have around my children. Lavinia is ten and Marvel is eight. He needs a strong man in his life, or he might end up like his father. I remember that you were always so good with children."

Peeta looked Clove over. Despite her bruised face he could tell that she was still attractive after all this time. Her figure was still trim, too. She had apparently taken care of herself. But over the years he had realized that the affection he had felt for her had been little more than infatuation, and if her affinity with him was so affected by his absence, or his war injury, then she was never what he had thought her to be. He thought of his empty house and how it would be nice to have children fill it with sound and happiness, as well as the luxury of having a warm body in his bed. Peeta had been alone for so long that he couldn't help but to ponder the possibility of thelife that Clove was offering. He looked down at his drawing pad and Katniss's eyes gazed back at him from the page. As much as he thought he loved Clove years ago, it paled in comparison to what he felt for Katniss now. His mind was at war with his heart.

_What is the likelihood of me ever getting a chance to be with Katniss? She deserves to be with a young, whole man, not an old cripple._

_Clove is here offering me a life that I gave up on long ago. She is also as fickle as the wind. She's only here because she's desperate and thinks that I will take her back at the drop of the hat. She never cared about me like I did for her. I've seen enough gold-digging women to tell who is looking for a meal ticket and who wants real love…Clove is looking for a meal ticket. No doubt that she has heard about my patent being sold, since her dad runs the only bank left in town._

He stared at his rendering of Katniss, then looked to the flesh and blood woman before him.  _If I did decide to be with Clove, it wouldn't be fair to her. My heart is with Katniss…even if the odds are slim, there is still a chance. Even Clove deserves to be loved. I surely don't love her, nor do I believe that I could with time._

Clove noticed the picture and picked it up to examine it. "I see you still draw. You've gotten better, I think. That's a pretty girl, do you know her?"

"Yes," Peeta stated simply and then he changed the subject. "So where are your kids?"

"They're with an aunt of mine in the county seat. She offered to take us in until I could find a new situation," Clove explained, a bit overly dramatic fashion."My father refuses to let us stay with him; he says he's ashamed of me leaving my husband. He won't even give me money for the legal expenses and Cato has left me with nothing."

Peeta couldn't help but to think that she was fishing for sympathy. "Well, if you need some money to help get you back on your feet I can lend you some. If you're divorcing Cato, I can have Finnick recommend a good attorney. If you need a job, I can help you find one," Peeta offered. The disappointment on Clove's face was evident. "That's all I can do for you, Clove. I can't offer you anything else – things fell apart between us for a reason."

Clove was obviously surprised; she had not been denied much in her life. Peeta could tell by her expression that she had been sure Peeta would take her up on her offer in a heartbeat.  _I can see that she is as arrogant as ever._ When they were young, all she had to do was ask and Peeta would do or give her anything, but he was no longer that lovesick boy.

"Peeta, my divorce will take a long time to be finalized," Clove clarified. "Maybe you should think about it for a while." She moved toward him and reached for his hand that rested on the arm of his chair, but he pulled it back. He couldn't help but to be totally annoyed by this whole conversation. She had not even once said that she was sorry, and she clearly assumed that she'd just walk back into his life.

Peeta cleared his throat and looked Clove in the eye. "No amount of time could make me forget about what happened all those years ago. I've forgiven you, but that doesn't mean that I want to be with you. I think you ought to be going now, I would hate for you to get a bad name, you know, being at an old suitor's home, alone, especially when he's still a bachelor."

"Peeta," Clove said exasperatedly, "I don't care what people may think about me."

"Maybe I care what people think about  _me_ ," Peeta announced. "I have a reputation that I have worked hard for, I have reasons for not wanting people to think ill of me."

Clove looked at the picture again and something must have clicked, "Is she one of those reasons?"

"Yes," Peeta confirmed.

"Oh, well," Clove said simply and rose, "I thought that I'd try. You deserved the first shot at me."

"Wait a moment," Peeta said and went to his coat pocket and pulled out his check book, wrote a check, and handed it to Clove - telling himself it was not for Clove, it was for her children, whom only had the bad luck to be born to such selfish parents. "That should get you started with a lawyer. Pay me back when you can."  _Although I know you probably won't._

Clove did not hesitate as she snatched the slip of paper from Peeta's hand and frowned slightly at the amount. She thanked him quietly and left with a simple "goodbye," and then he watched her hurry to her Cadillac.

He could not help but compare Clove and Katniss at that moment. Katniss – who wore tattered overalls and hated the charity of a simple loaf of bread – if he were to try to force one unearned dollar into Katniss's hand she'd refuse it. Peeta knew that she had sold many of the family possessions to make ends meet. Yet here was Clove, with her gold jewelry and a fur-trimmed coat, who expected the world from him and had no shame in taking his money, convinced it was not enough.  _Katniss could live well off the value of Clove's jewelry for six months. Clove wouldn't make it stretch one month._ At not quite eighteen-years, Katniss was willing to make sacrifices and work hard to take care of her family. While Clove, at thirty, was ready to catch a new husband instead of finding a way to support herself and her children. His admiration for Katniss grew yet again. Peeta reminded himself,  _only two more months until May._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	6. part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank my betas kismet4891 and katnissinme, they are so helpful and encouraging.

**In Name Only- Peeta’s POV**

**Part 6**

The evening had some brought relief from the day’s stifling heat, but the air was still muggy. Peeta watched Finnick and Annie sit cozily on the couch in their living room. They often invited Peeta over on Saturday nights to have dinner with them. He enjoyed their company, but often felt like a third wheel. While he sat in the rocking chair and swirled his tumbler of whiskey on the rocks, Peeta listened to Finnick carry on about the case he’d just finished. He had represented Johanna Mason, the daughter of the local sawmill owner, who was being sued after she chased down a peeping tom with an ax. The jerk actually had the nerve to request money for pain and suffering.

“Of course we won,” Finnick jested. “Flavius literally got caught with his pants down. Plus, I think that the jury was afraid to rule against Miss Mason, seeing as she has all the charm of a feral cat.”

“She didn’t actually hurt him, did she?”Peeta inquired. “The word around town is that he got beat up pretty bad.”

“Yeah, he did. He tripped over his pantstrying to get away from her, and the jackass broke his jaw when he hit the ground. But, he got off lucky. Johanna would have chopped him up into pieces. Good thing for him that her papa was there and stopped it,” Finnick laughed. “I bet he’ll never look into a woman’s window ever again – he actually pissed himself!”

Peeta thought about how Katniss would handle a similar situation, envisioning some pervert glaring at her through a window. _Great, now I have one more thing to worry about when it comes to Katniss and her family._ Although he did have one solace, he remembered that Harland often bragged of her accuracy with a shot gun – starlings and raccoons didn’t have a chance on the Everdeen farm. _I hope that she hasn’t sold the gun._

Peeta returned his attention to his hosts. Taking in the loving couple, he noticed that Annie hadn’t joined the men in enjoying a night cap as she typically she did. Peeta asked innocently, “None for you tonight, Annie?”

“Um, no,” Annie blushed, and she and Finnick exchanged silly expressions, even going so far as to whisper in each others’ ears. Annie nodded her head at her husband.

“Well, Peeta, we’ve got some news,” Finnick announced with a smile. “We’re going to have a baby!”

“Congratulations!” Peeta said sincerely, and rose to give Annie a hug and kiss, then moving to also shake Finnick’s hand. He knew that they had wanted to start a family for a while.

They told Peeta that the baby would be due in December and he was the first person that they had let know about it. The three of them talked at length, and Peeta offered to help them paint the baby’s room. After a while Annie excused herself to go to bed, citing that pregnancy had left her exhausted.

When Annie left the room Finnick off-handedly mentioned, “Katniss Everdeen was in my office the other day.”

“Yeah?” Peeta said, trying to sound casual. Finnick used to love to tease Peeta about his affection for the girl, although it had all but stopped after Harland died. Now he would only remind Peeta of Katniss’s age and availability from time to time.

“She was asking about how to become her sister’s legal guardian,” Finnick said soberly. “She confessed that her mother was not well and wasn’t capable of taking care of Primrose anymore.”

“I thought that you couldn’t share all of this with me,” Peeta said curiously. “Isn’t that against lawyer/client privilege?”

“Yes, but I thought as her friend you would like to know what’s going on with her,” Finnick offered. “You know she’s eighteen now.”

“I know,” he replied softly. Peeta was painfully aware of her age; he had patiently waited for May eighth. On her birthday he had made her sugar cookies and was going to ask her if he could take her and Prim for a car ride after church on Sunday, or if she would like to go on a picnic with him. It was a good plan, one that he had meticulously gone over in his head, but when she got there he lost his nerve. Peeta bumbled and gave her the excuse that the cookies had too much soda and that they were unsellable. Katniss took them, for once, with no arguments and a smile. She even threw her arms around his neck. The embrace was so fast that Peeta didn’t have a chance to reciprocate. She almost instantly let go of him, as if she had been burned, quietly apologized and then abruptly left. He didn’t even get a chance to wish her a happy birthday.

Failed attempts had become a reoccurring theme. Peeta would perpetually convince himself that he would ask her _this_ week. He had a speech composed in his head and he had his confidence built up, but then something would always happen to cause him to abandon his plan. Katniss would walk in and look like she’d had a bad day or have a lot on her mind. Or more often than not, Peeta would second guess himself and lose his nerve. _What if she isn’t interested? Would she stop coming to me to sell eggs? What would she do then, and how would she feed her family?_ Things were further complicated when Katniss would bring Prim along with her after school had let out for the summer. Peeta liked the little girl well enough, but when she was with her sister the visits were much shorter and Prim often dominated the conversation.

Along with everything else, Peeta didn’t want to risk their comfortable friendship, and the thought of not having her in his life frightened him. Not to mention the fact that his old insecurities had returned. Every time he used his cane, woke from a nightmare, or looked in the mirror he was reminded of just how damaged he was. He thought that Katniss deserved the best and he had convinced himself that he wasn’t what was best for her.

It was now August – a full three months past her birthday. He had been in love with her for over a year and she still had no idea about how he felt. “So, could she become her sister’s guardian?” Peeta asked Finnick.

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Finnick sighed. “She’s young, unmarried, living off a part-time job, and bartering. Snow keeps increasing the rent, she’s going to get behind pretty quickly if she isn’t already. The word is that he wants them out of there so he can put one of his hired hands in the house. It’s just a matter of time before everything falls apart – they’ll be evicted, and the little girl will probably have to go to the children’s home. It didn’t sound like they had anyone who could take them in.”

Peeta emptied his glass. He had a feeling that things were not going well for her, but couldn’t imagine how bad things truly were. He had been toying with the idea of offering Katniss a job, but then he would have to fire one of his employees. Mrs. Seeder had been with his family well over a decade, and she and her husband were struggling to send their son to college. His newly hired employee, Thom, needed all the hours he could get; his father was ill and he had several siblings to help support. Peeta knew the conclusion that everyone would come to if he were to hire her to do odd jobs – that something unsavory was going on between them. He didn’t want to risk her reputation, it was one of the few things that she had in her favor.

“You know, if she had a husband, especially if he were a slightly older, well-established man, then keeping her sister wouldn’t be an issue at all,” Finnick commented. “I wonder who we know who would fit that bill?”

Peeta gave Finnick a pointed look and shook his head.

“Ah, Peeta just ask her out. She might surprise you and say yes,” Finnick encouragingly said.

“And what if she say laughs at me and says no?” Peeta posed.

“You’ll never know if you never ask,” Finnick taunted him.

Peeta never replied and the conversation was over. A short while later he left his friend’s home, but he wasn’t ready to go home to an empty house. He decided to take a drive to clear his head, which was a fruitless endeavor because he couldn’t turn off his thoughts. _Katniss was looking slightly better fed recently, because she was able to eat from her garden and bartering was good at the moment. He could tell when she’d had a successful morning of trading, she walked a little taller and her mood was a little lighter. But that would only last so long and the garden’s bounty could only do so much._ Soon it would be autumn, and he would watch her suffer once more, only now it would be worse than before. She had to be running out of things to hock, and eventually something would have to be done about Mrs. Everdeen.

Without even realizing it he found himself headed down the lonely gravel road that led him past what was formerly the Everdeen farm. The little, weathered farm house sat somewhat close to the road.Peeta slowed down as he approached it; he could see that one room was lit by a kerosene lamp.

Peeta had unconsciously stopped in front the house and was watching the illuminated window when he saw a figure through the lace curtains. He knew Katniss’s curves so well that he knew in an instant that it was her silhouette in the window. He sat transfixed as he watched her shadow unravel the braid and then proceed to run a comb or a brush through the length. It was the most sensual thing that he’d ever witnessed. Peeta had countless times, in both his dreams and waking hours, thought about what it would be like to run his fingers through that sleek length of her hair. He imagined that it was soft and silky, and that she would mewl in contentment when he would play with it at the end of the day. Of course this line of thinking led to other, less innocent thoughts, and for a few moments he allowed himself to ruminate on these. He easily conjured the image of helping her out of a dress at night to prepare for bed and watching her select a nightgown, only to have him help her out of that, too, and lie her down on the mattress.

Suddenly the curtains were yanked open and Katniss’s face appeared through the window to stare at the idling vehicle in front of the house. Even from such a distance he could tell that she was scowling. “Damn it!” Peeta cursed, and quickly put the Model A in gear and pressed his foot to the pedal, speeding away. Peeta chastised himself. _So much for worrying about other men spying on her, I’m the creep staring at her and fantasizing!_

Peeta slowed once he got a safe distance from the house. Thinking about the situation, Peeta had never been as frustrated as he was at that moment, in more ways than one. He loved and desired Katniss, but he couldn’t tell her. He had the means to comfortably take care of her and those she cared about, yet he was powerless to help her. _I have to think of a way to help them and soon, or I’m going to go insane._


	7. part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my regular, extraordinary betas kismet4891 and katnissinme. I would also like to thank my sub-beta for this chapter and consummate cheerleader Court81981. They are all very talented and wonderful ladies go and find their many works, you won’t regret it!

 

**In Name Only-Peeta’s POV**

**Part 7**

Peeta looked out the bakery window; the November day was deceptively cold, despite the sun shining outside. He was helping customers, trying hard to be his usual pleasant self, but he was terribly distracted. He checked the clock on the wall; it was nearly ten o’clock, well past Katniss’s usual arrival time.

He couldn’t come up with any more excuses for delaying Thom’s deliveries, so Peeta sent him out and was left alone at the bakery. On a typical day he liked to keep Thom there until Katniss left so that Peeta could spend as much time with her as possible. The customers had cleared out and there was a lull in the morning rush. The bell rang out, and Deputy Darius sauntered in and greeted him. “Good morning, Peeta.”

“Morning, Darius,” Peeta returned. “How many bear-claws today?”

“Um, two,” Darius said after a moment of thought. “I think I might hide out here and eat them, too. I don’t feel like entertaining people at the moment. Everybody wants to know about what is going on at the Everdeen place and I don’t have the heart to gossip about those ladies.”

“What’s going on with the Everdeens?” Peeta demanded urgently.

Darius gave him a shocked look and replied, “Haven’t you heard? That old bitty Mrs. Cartwright called the county and reported Mrs. Everdeen and now she is getting hauled away to the loony bin. The truck passed through town about an hour ago. They say she’s not spoken two coherent words together in the last year. Usually that isn’t enough to get someone put away, but I think that ol’ bastard Snow helped to have her taken away. Thread is going to have to evict the girls today. Probably have to take the little one to the children’s home…this is one of those days when I hate my job.”

Suddenly Peeta remembered what Finnick had told him months ago – that if Katniss were married, then she would be left alone and Prim could be kept with her. It seemed like a long shot, but one worth taking. “If Katniss were married, would Thread take the little girl away?”Peeta questioned.

“Um, it would depend,” Darius shrugged. “If it were some boy, like say Thom, most likely yes. If it were a man well-known in the community, Thread would most likely let them stay together.”

That settled it. Peeta was going to find Katniss right away and ask her to marry him. He had been toying with the idea for a while. Peeta hastily put together a plan in his head. He took off his apron, threw it on the counter and all but ran to the door and flipped the sign to “closed.” “Lock the door on your way out, if you could please, Darius,” he asked of the bewildered deputy, and then left him slack jawed in the store front. Peeta briefly poked his head through the door. “Oh, and help yourself to the bear claws.”

In the kitchen, he took a sheet of paper and scribbled a note for Thom explaining that there had been an emergency. He then walked home as quickly as he could. He knew that his leg would pain him later, punishing him for abusing it.

Once home he called Finnick. As soon as he picked up Peeta hastily explained, “I might be getting married today, I need you and Annie to witness it.”

“What!?” Finnick sputtered.

“Oh, and I may need you to help me talk to the Sheriff so he doesn’t take Primrose to the children’s home,” Peeta added.

“What in the _hell_ are you talking about, Peeta?” Finnick wondered. “Have you lost your mind?”

“Katniss needs help, and marriage looks like her only option at the moment,” Peeta paused. “So I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

“You know, when I said ‘ask her’ I meant to like the church luncheon, not for her hand in matrimony!” Finnick exclaimed.

“Sorry, Finnick,” Peeta sighed. “I don’t have time to discuss this, I’ve got a girl to propose to. If she accepts, then I’ll be over to pick you and Annie up later. Can I count on you?”

Finnick took a deep breath and agreed, “Yes.”

He then took a shower and put on his finest suit. _If I’m going to do this, I need to look like I mean it._ Peeta went to his bedroom and opened his sock drawer, pushed aside all its contents and pulled out the velvet box that had been hidden at the bottom for ten years. The last time he saw it he had showed it to a banker as collateral for his first business loan. If he had access to any other ring he would use it, but he didn’t, so this one would have to do. _I hope I have better luck then I did the last time I proposed to someone._ Peeta could feel his leg already stiffening. With a heavy heart he picked up his cane. He had envisioned his proposal to Katniss before and there had never been a cane in sight, but it was better than the alternative of falling on his face in front of her. He got his best fedora and left his home.

While driving to the Everdeen house his mind was frenzied. _I truly am willing to marry her to protect her? This will not be real; I will only offer Katniss a home for her and Prim until she is twenty-one, and then I’ll help them find a new home. This is for Katniss and Prim, not for me. These are Harland’s daughters._ Peeta was already trying to distance himself from Katniss. _Kitty, the little girl with pigtails who once gave me dandelions to cheer me. Kitty, the awkward youth who sang so beautifully in church. Don’t think about Katniss, glowing in the summer heat and visiting with you on her own in the bakery._

He pulled into the Everdeen driveway, and for a moment thought very seriously about turning around. _This is never going to work._ Peeta gripped his cane tightly and got out of the car. It required every ounce of courage he had to climb the porch. He took a deep breath and knocked on the weathered door. It took a few moments for her to answer the door.

"Mr. Mellark!?" Katniss gasped. It was obvious that he was not whom she was expecting. "What are you doing here?"

"Katniss," Peeta said softly and took off his hat. "I have something I want to talk to you about. We don't have much time, and Deputy Darius said that the people from the county will be here this afternoon."

He examined her quickly. She was shaken and scared, and for the first time ever, she appeared hopeless. It broke his heart to see her like this. Yet even in her misery she was beautiful; Peeta had never loved her so much.

"Please come in, Mr. Mellark," Katniss said shakily, and opened the door wide for him. Peeta stepped in and set his cane against the doorframe. He looked at the old house;  it seemed so empty and sorrowful. Katniss motioned for him to sit in the thread-bare wing chair, and he took the seat. She stood before the old fireplace and asked, "They're coming for Prim, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are,” Peeta admitted. “It would save them a trip to evict you and take her at the same time. Sherriff Thread is nothing if not efficient." He stopped and looked at her hesitantly. "But I think I know a way that she could remain with you. I hope you don't mind, but I already took the liberty of speaking to Mr. Odair, and he told me about a possible solution to your problem…I tried to find out if there were any other options, but none could be found that could help you and Primrose immediately."

"What's that?" Katniss asked, and her face lifted hopefully.

"First, let me ask you something." He paused, staring at the hat in his hands as he fiddled with it. He had to make absolutely sure that there weren’t any impediments. "Do you have a fella?"

"A what?" Katniss cast him a confused look, as if she hadn’t heard him correctly.

"You know - a beau, a sweetheart," Peeta elaborated.

"No," she said softly, as if she were embarrassed by the fact. "No, I don't. I never have. Papa said no courting until I was eighteen."

"Yes, Harland used to tell me that," Peeta chuckled a little, trying to lighten the mood and then caught her eye. He steeled himself. _This is for Harland._ "I know that this will sound crazy…I would ask nothing of you; it would be in name only." He paused and Katniss gave him a look to urge him on. "I-I would be willing to marry you and have you and your sister come live with me."

Katniss turned away from him and grasped onto the mantel until her knuckles were white.  He knew that he would have to make things clear to her. "And then, when you are old enough, I would help you find a place that would allow you to take Prim. You would have more rights at twenty-one, and we could part ways, if that's what you wanted." He paused for a moment to allow his words to sink in; she had to understand his motives were nothing but sincere and that he had no ulterior motives. "This is the only way that Finnick and I could think of to keep Prim out of the children's home. I'm well respected, my business is doing fine, and no one would meddle with you if you were my wife. I just want to help. It would do my heart good."Peeta regretted the words as soon as they came out, thinking they sounded sappy, but he had to sell the idea to Katniss.

The small house was silent. Finally, Katniss cleared her throat and asked in a thick voice, "What is in this for you, Mr. Mellark?"

He had so many reasons but he stuck with the simplest. "My friend's daughters would be safe, and I would have some company in my home,” Peeta explained.“My father died a couple of years ago and I've been lonely. I just thought that it wouldn't be such a bad deal all around. My house is large and I'm alone most of the time, other than Mrs. Seeder, my housekeeper, and her daughter, and they're only there a few hours a day."

Katniss stayed silent for a few moments. The stillness was deafening. _She is revolted by the idea. This was so stupid of me, she’ll never speak to me again._ He rose and said apologetically, "I'm sorry, Miss Everdeen, it was only a thought, I meant no offense by it…I'll be leaving now."

Peeta rose, put his hat on, walked to the door, found his cane, and hooked it over his arm. He turned the knob and suddenly felt two warm hands enclose his free hand and pull him slightly from the door. "Please," she whispered as she choked back tears, "Mr. Mellark, yes, I'll marry you. Please, I would do anything to keep Prim with me. I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll work in your bakery. I'd do anything you wanted."

A part of him rejoiced, yet another was saddened; she reminded him once more of a child."Kitty," Peeta said gently. He wanted so badly to hold and comfort her, but he restrained himself and settled for wiping away her tears with a thumb and gripping her hand firmly. He assured her as much, "I would be happy with your company and nothing more."

"Kitty?" Katniss repeated softly and gave him a genuine little smile. "You haven't called me that in a long time, Mr. Mellark."

"Please, Katniss, call me Peeta," he requested kindly. He had ached to hear his given name on her lips for so long now.

"Peeta," she said experimentally. It sounded as lovely as her singing voice. "I would like to marry you." _It sounded so sincere, like it is in my imagination._ For a moment, he thought that she was truly happy to marry him, like it was for her and him and no other reason. But it was a brief delusion, and Peeta reminded himself that their marriage’s main purpose was to keep the Everdeen girls together.

"Alright, we'll do it," he agreed, and let go of her hand. _Remember, this is not real!_ "Why don't you go put on a nice dress and we'll go to the Justice of the Peace? It shouldn't take long. Then we can pick Prim up from school. If we hurry, we can beat the social workers and Sheriff back here."

Katniss nodded and hurried up the stairs. Peeta let out a shaky breath as soon as she was out of sight. All of his confidence disappeared with her. He sat again in the old wing chair and fidgeted with his cane as the realization hit him. _Sweet Jesus, I’m marrying Katniss Everdeen today…though she’ll never really be mine._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated!


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, there! I know that it has been ages since I have updated this fic, I have been busy with several other projects and real life. But then I heard that a very special lady’s birthday was coming up and I remembered promising her ages ago that I would write about INO Peeta and “angsterbation”. I wasn’t brave enough at the time to write about it. But I’m a bit more comfortable in my smut writing skills now so I thought that I would give it a try.
> 
> Happy birthday Streetlightlove! I hope that you enjoying it, my friend.
> 
> Thank you so much to Court81981 who beta-ed this in a flash, I’ve written the bulk of this in the last 48 hours. Also thanks to kismet4891 for the wonderful banner,

**In Name Only- Peeta’s POV**

**Chapter 8**

Peeta watched his new wife piece together a jigsaw puzzle with her little sister from over the top of his newspaper. Katniss was kneeling in front of him, bent over the coffee table while she sorted out the pieces, giving him an excellent view of her rear.

He wanted to look away, but he couldn’t.

Katniss had no clue what effect she had on him. She was driving him crazy by just being her, more so than any than professional seductress ever had. _Damn it, why in the hell did I insist that she have pants made? They do nothing but make me want her more._

“I am no good at these things,” she jokingly complained to her sister. “It’s all yours, Little Duck.” Katniss then sat on the floor and scooted back to where he sat and put her head on the knee of his good leg. Surprised by the intimate gesture, Peeta had a little start.

Katniss craned her neck to look at him, as if to question if what she’d done was alright. He answered by laying his hand on her head urging her to again lay cheek against his knee, and he petted her hair once or twice and she relaxed into him.

It was sweet torture andPeeta was ready to burst. He had been married to the girl of his dreams for three weeks, and yet he was more frustrated than ever. When they wed, he told himself that he would be content just to have Katniss in his home and that they would live as if they were a priest and a nun. Hope of anything else was too much to ask for.

It was easy the first weeks after they got married—it was easy to forget about his _needs._ Everything was so new and busy. The first chance he got he went to the county asylum to check on Mrs. Everdeen.  He’d heard terrible stories about the place. When he arrived, he found that rumors had been true, and the place smelled of human waste and suffering. From the administrator’s office he could hear the tortured screams of the delusional patients. 

The Army hospital that he spent months in was a hundred times better than the rancid smelling hellhole that had the nerve to call itself a mental hospital. He remembered his brother, Graham, praising the doctor that treated his wife’s brother. Peeta immediately made the necessary calls and had his new mother-in-law transferred to a better hospital.

He debated telling Katniss about what he’d done. She would be upset that he made such a big decision without her, but he didn’t want Katniss to know how terribly her mother had been treated. Peeta also knew that Katniss would inquire about the added cost of keeping her mother in a private hospital, and she was dealing with so much at the moment with the adjusting to her new life and caring for Prim. She was so proud—to a fault—and he didn’t want her to think that she was in his debt. If she was ever to have any real feelings, they could not be based on her thinking that she owed him.

After the newness wore off some, Peeta had gotten comfortable in his new routine with his female housemates. Katniss would visit him in the bakery in the morning, and they would talk just like always, later at lunchtime she would attempt to make him a meal (and she usually failed). In the afternoons Prim would stop in at the bakery after school, and then they would walk home together. They would all eat dinner as a family and then would relax together in living room. It was a nice little life, and most of the time he could convince himself that he would be perfectly happy if that was all he ever he ever got out of this marriage. But then there were times, like now, that he found it hard to keep his thoughts about his wife chaste and he couldn’t keep his eyes off her.

Katniss yawned, arching her back and stretching her arms, her breasts strained against her shirt, making top the button pop, and he could see down her shirt. Peeta’s eyes instantly focused on the lace garment that peeped out along with just a hint of skin that he’d never seen before. Unconsciously he found himself wondering what color her nipples were: dusky or rosy pink.  Just as he began to indulge in this thought, he instantly began to repeat his silent mantra, _“Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, a little girl with pigtails and freckles and skinned knees. She is only a girl!”_

It was enough to dash any sexual thoughts of her and it was just in time. Katniss looked at the clock on the wall and announced, “Come on Prim, it’s time for bed.”

Katniss stood and then helped her sister up. Prim walked over to his armchair. “Goodnight, Peeta.”

“Night, Prim,” he replied and affectionately pinched her nose. “Good luck with your spelling test, tomorrow. But I know you’ll ace it.”

The little girl giggled and headed towards the stairs, leaving him and his wife alone in the silent room. Katniss turned on the radio and then took the seat nearest to him. Obviously, she still didn’t know that her button was undone. At this new angle, he was could see even more, and he couldn’t seem to ignore it, no matter how hard he tried, and it was leading him down a dangerous path.

“I think that I’ll get ready for bed, too,” he said and stood. He didn’t miss the little look of hurt on her face. Usually they would sit together, alone, for a little while every night. Although tonight, he couldn’t stand to so close to her without thinking about how much he longed to have _more._

“Oh, alright,” she said softly and also rose. “I guess I’ll go to upstairs to read.”

“What are you reading?” he asked.

“ _Jane Eyre_ ,” she replied and walked with him out of the room to the foot of the stairs.

“How far are you?”

“Jane and Mr. Rochester just got engaged.”

“Then you haven’t gotten to the good part yet,” he grinned. “Just wait until you find out what’s in the attic.”

“Don’t tell me,” she warned and playfully slapped his arm. “I’ve been so good and not looked at the end, so don’t ruin it for me!”

“I wouldn’t dream of ruining anything for you. I only want you to experience the best of everything,” he said, sounding like a jester, but in all reality he was serious.

“Which I have since I’ve been with here you, Peeta,” she said and took his hand in both of hers. It was moments like this that confused him to no end. When she looked at him like this, he thought that maybe, just maybe that she might come to love him like he loved her. In a moment of weakness he bent his head to kiss her not on the forehead, but on the cheek, just a fraction of an inch from the corner of her mouth.

As soon as he realized his error, he quickly pulled away. He fully expected her to recoil or have a look of disgust; instead she looked at him with a happy expression. She was completely at ease with him, so it seemed.

 “Well, goodnight, Peeta,” she sighed.

“Sweet dreams, Katniss,” he whispered.

She smiled at him and turned to climb the stairs. Her curves were definitely those of a woman, and yet he knew that her innocence nature was more like that of a child. He watched her until she turned the corner and she disappeared from sight.

He took a steadying breath went to his bedroom and gathered his pajamas before he went to the bathroom to shower.

He removed his clothes and started the water. Most of the time he waited for the water to get hot, but tonight he wanted the shock of the cold water to chase any impure thoughts of Katniss from his mind.

It didn’t work.

Peeta tried to not to think about her, but it only made things harder, so to speak. Not to mention that it had been long time since he’d last ‘taken care of his personal needs.’ He’d resisted all urges to pleasure himself since the Everdeen girls moved in. The thought of being caught in the act by Katniss, or even worse, Prim walking in on him, was enough to put him off, even with the doors locked. But finally he felt as if he had to, or he might literally explode.

After he washed his hair and scrubbed his body, he decided it was best to get it done and over with. _Don’t think about Katniss!_ he warned himself and tried to instead call up an image of some random pretty face. The woman was in some imagined hotel room bed, wearing nothing but a sultry grin.

In the shower he wrapped his soapy hand around his hardened member and braced himself against the tile wall with the other.

In his fantasy, the woman used her pointer finger to crook a come-hither motion for him to come to bed. He obeyed her command, and soon he was naked and in the bed with her. Their lips fused, and he explored every inch of her: his hands traversed her body while his tongue outlined every bit of her mouth it could reach. His body pressed hers deep into the mattress, and his erection throbbed in between their bodies. He closed his eyes to fully immerse himself in the lustful dream. The woman moaned loudly, and the voice was familiar. It was Katniss’s. 

Despite all his efforts, the nameless woman’s face morphed into that of his wife’s, and the room became his own.  Instead of stopping Peeta, it only turned him on more. He didn’t want to think about Katniss, although his desire outweighed his good intentions. He looked over her naked body—it was so perfect. Unabashedly, she reached out her hand and gripped and stroked him as if they’d been doing this forever.  Her hands were strong and sure in their movements. She smiled at him with hooded eyes, urging him to let go.

“Not yet,” he told her and pulled her hand away and began to kiss her again. He wanted nothing more than to give her pleasure, too. He palmed her breasts and she keened, and next he parted his lips from her and attacked her breasts, suckling on one of the dark pink tips. He imagined that her skin tasted savory rather than sweet, with a hint of salt and musk. One of his hands sought out her center. She was soaking wet with silky arousal. Slowly he inserted one finger. She was so tight. It was going to take some work to get her ready for him, so he added another finger and pumped her steadily. She cried her name and bucked her hips begging for more.

“I need you, Peeta,” she pled in a husky voice. Eager to comply, he buried himself in her tight, wet heat with a single thrust. He knew that it would feel like paradise, and she matched him move for move.

In the shower his fist moved at a furious pace. He felt a tingle at the base of his spine and feeling of heaviness in his sac.

In his fantasy Katniss reached her climax moaning his name and clinging to his body, and under the hot water, Peeta came soon after. Biting his lip to stifle the sound, he spilled himself onto the tile floor. He hadn’t come so hard by his own hand since he was a teenager. Spent, he reluctantly left his fantasy and opened his eyes and watched the pearly white fluid swirl down the drain. It was a lonely feeling.

When he recovered and rinsed off, the guilt began to set in. Peeta turned off the water and stepped out of the stall. He limped over to the sink.  His leg ached, as he’d stood in one spot for too long. He looked down at the ruined skin where there was a chunk missing out of calf, and a jagged scar.

He didn’t bother to dry off; being cold and wet brought him back to reality. In the mirror, he looked at his reflection, focusing on his scar. Even he had to admit that it looked better than it did years ago, but he still thought that it was ugly.  It made _him_ ugly. It was an outward manifestation of all the misery he’d survived and that had changed him forever.

 _Katniss deserves better than this._ He wasn’t lying when he said that he wanted the best for her. Sometimes he thought, or rather hoped, that he could be what was best. Yet times like this, right in the moment, he convinced himself that he wasn’t.

“You’re a fool,” he told the man in the mirror before he turned to put on his bed clothes. Peeta limped to his bed feeling lower that he had in ages. _I am no closer to her now than I was before we married._

That night he lay there trying to bring up innocent memories of Kitty, a nymph-like little girl with a bundle of dandelions in her hand. He couldn’t. So instead he again allowed thoughts of her in his bed, reasoning that it was alright if his intentions were wholesome. This time his dream Katniss was only there to hold him; after all it was a nice dream. _There’s no harm if it is only a dream, right?_

**Thanks for reading!**

**Are you still Jonesing for more In Name Only?**

**If so I have excellent news. I have written an In Name Only Outtake for a wonderful cause, S2SL, Smut to Save Lives. All proceeds will go Hope for Caroline, Inc, a charity to raise money to help families and to fund research for DIPG, a devastating, inoperable, and unfortunately, incurable form of brain tumor that occurs in children ages 5-9.**

**For only $10 you can read this outtake February 14th, along with a ton of other smut-filled stories written by the many of the best authors THG fandom has to offer. I know that I will be donating I hope that you will too.**

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**Teaser- In Name Only- Katniss and Peeta’s First Valentine’s Day**

“We’re home,” he announced when they pulled into the drive, it wasn’t a moment too soon because Katniss was just about to reach into his pants.

She smiled at him seductively, “What are you going to home to me, now that you got me?”

“Do you mean, ‘what am I going to do to you, now that I’ve got you home?’”

She smiled wide and squinted, making her nose wrinkle in the cutest way, “Isn’t that what I said?”

“No,” he answered and parked the car.

Katniss giggled heartily as Peeta opened the car door, she slid out behind him, nearly tumbled to the ground. He caught her around the waist and guided his tipsy wife to the house.

“Hey, Peeta?”

“Yes?” he replied and opened the door.

“Before you came over to the table, that man said something to me…I’ve heard the word before but I don’t know what it exactly means,” she said shyly.

He let her go so he could face her, “What did he say to you?”

“He said that ‘I look I would be fun to…um…fuck’,” she whispered the last word and Peeta felt the fury rise in him. _I should have punched that asshole a few more times._ He wanted to go back to the bar simply to go ring the bastard’s neck.Katniss called him back to reality, “What does it mean exactly? I know that it is a very bad word, I’ve heard only a couple of times before.”

“It means,” he searched for the right words, “fornication, and sex simply for sake of sex. Sort of like animals.”

“Oh…Do you ever want to do that to me?” she posed with a mix of innocence and curiously.

It was a hard question to answer. The thought of taking her hard and rough, was a fantasy that he usually didn’t allow himself. In all the time he’d spent dreaming about them together it was always love making; deep and meaningful. Never did he allow himself to imagine just simple fornication. He was always telling himself that she was too inexperienced, naïve, and most importantly his wife, and not to be used in such a way. But sometimes, he had to admit, that he thought about making love to his wife in a wanton way, he wanted to hear her impassioned cries as he thrust into her deeply.

He had to be honest with her, “I wouldn’t use the word ‘fuck’ but yes there are times, that I would like to…um…,” he searched for the right word,  “ _ravage_ you.”

He felt Katniss shiver with the words and she smiled at him with hooded eyes, “Then why don’t you?”

Peeta couldn’t believe what he had just heard, “Is that what you want tonight?”

She nodded and then pulled on his tie to bring his lips to her in a heated kiss. She inhaled his lower lip into her mouth and worried it with her teeth. One of her hands traveled to his fly and groped him through his pants, and he instantly began to stiffen again.

He chucked, “I thought that you wanted _me_ to ravage _you_.”

She proposed, “Maybe we can take turns ravaging each other.”


End file.
